51 things Londoners will never say

I've been busy tweeting a list of 51 things you'll never hear a Londoner say. I'm putting them here for posterity.

1. I love walking around Trafalgar Square—so spacious and uncrowded.
2. I just saw a small garage conversion flat going for less than £100,000.
3. I never tire of going to see the Changing of the Guard.
4. Nobody goes to the South Bank any more.
5. I give at least 50 pence to every street beggar.
6. Everyone in this Tube train uses the nicest aftershave and perfume.
7. I see that a person with a crutch just got on this bus; I’ll give him my seat.
8. It'll only take a second for me to find the Oystercard I've buried in my purse.
9. People are so good here—they walk along the pavement with their eyes on their phones but never bump into you.
10. Boris Johnson is prime-ministerial material.
11. Football hooligans have become polite these days.
12. There aren’t enough Americans around here.
13. The tourists go to all the best places—let’s find out where those are and go.
14. The Emirates Air Line is an essential part of my daily commute.
15. Heathrow Airport is so easy to get to.
16. Heathrow needs another runway there so that we can be the largest hub in Europe.
17. Portobello Road Market is so unspoiled.
18. I wish we had another Tesco in the area.
19. I love getting those phone calls from abroad telling me that I’ve recently had an accident.
20. There aren’t enough bankers checking their emails on the Jubilee Line out to Canary Wharf.
21. The busker with the trumpet in Oxford Street Tube Station is so soothing.
22. Everybody likes Millwall supporters.
23. Pubs are a fantastic bargain these days.
24. There are loads of Cockneys about.
25. Cycling at the Elephant and Castle is so carefree.
26. I can’t seem to find a Starbucks lately—where have they all gone?
27. We aren’t building enough new office buildings these days.
28. The Shard, the Cheesegrater, and the Walkie-Talkie are assets to London’s skyline.
29. Not to mention the Strata at the Elephant—such a distinctive look.
30. I attend my parish church regularly—the services are so spiritual.
31. I patronise the stalls at Covent Garden regularly for their useful household items.
32. The crowds around the Covent Garden buskers don’t bother me at all.
33. The cycle superhighways are so convenient to cycle around town.
34. The waiter hasn’t asked us how everything was.
35. American cuisine is so trendy—let’s go to McDonald’s!
36. No McDonald’s near here? You won’t find a Subway either.
37. It’s summer: everyone’s feet are really pretty in flip-flops.
38. Those pale guys walking around shirtless will get nice tans soon.
39. England’s footballers are very good—they just have had bad luck.
40. England’s cricketers are very good—they just have had bad luck.
41. Kale’s a great vegetable—I eat it regularly.
42. Tourists walking 3-abreast and stopping to see the sights don’t bother me at all.
43. I see police officers pounding the beat every day.
44. Cinemas are so inexpensive nowadays.
45. I never notice the air pollution nowadays—that nice Mr Johnson must have cleaned it up.
46. I love it when politicians ring the doorbell wanting to listen to my opinions.
47. The off-key singing from the Pentacostal church next door doesn’t bother us.
48. Not even when they have an all night vigil and sing at 3 am.
49. I’m not fussed about people who stand on the left on Tube escalators—they just don’t know any better.
50. The new Borisbuses are SO cute.
51. Living in London is so economical.