chrishansenhome: (Default)
Order 82482299

Tuesday, 28 February, 2012 12:30

From: "American Airlines" <xxx@yyy>
To: chrishansenhome@xxx
Message contains attachments
1 File (42KB): Ticket.zip

Dear Customer,

FLIGHT NUMBER AA324
ELECTRONIC 9554779
DATE & TIME / MARCH 05, 2012, 11:21 AM
ARRIVING / Yonkers
TOTAL PRICE / 227.21 USD

Please find your ticket attached.
To use your ticket you should print it.

Thank you
AA customer services.


I was unaware that Yonkers has an airport…perhaps things have changed since the late 1970's, when I went to seminary there.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
As a denizen of LinkedIn, I occasionally get messages from people in my network whom I do not really know. These messages are usually announcements of some sort of event or product.

Today I got this one. I am quoting it here verbatim (except for censoring the gory ID details) to protect the guilty.

{The Guilty Man} has sent you a message.
Date: 1/28/2012
Subject: Hey

First off I would like to thank you for even reading this as I know reading spammy looking emails especially on the weekend is not something you want to do. The reason I’m writing this is because I’m looking for help finding funds for a start-up company and giving linkedin a shot well since this site is a network of “professionals”. Honestly this is my last shot; believe it or not I even tried craigslist.org for funding assistance (yeah I’m basically that desperate lol). I’m just so sick of going on sites like gust.com or gobignetwork.com paying money I don’t have to submit my business proposal which I also paid money for waiting for investors to contact me month after month after month with no hope and when I do get a reply it’s “sorry but we decided not to go with your company” or these firms claiming to have millions of dollars to invest but when I send out my chump change $25,000 business plan I get no reply back. I even applied for start-up loans from banks and unsecured business loans. Speaking of start-up loans I thought the whole point of those was to get a loan to start up your business not have a business with business credit to get a loan which I’ve been told over and over again. If that’s the case then it should be called something else not “start-up”

At this point I don’t know what to do, I feel like a sailboat in the middle the ocean with no breeze and a broken rudder. I don’t have some Ivy League education I can fall back on or some rich family and friends I can just borrow money from. I’m just a 26 yr old guy from the Bronx New York who can barely pay his rent with school loans messing up his credit with a business in beta stages that keeps him up at night cause he knows he has something that will be successful but no one wants to give him that chance. I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that because I know there are a lot of people worse off than I am I’m just looking for help, any kind of advice (let me rephrase that CONSTRUCTIVE ADVICE), forwarding this to anyone looking to invest $25k or a little more so I can stop having ramen noodles for dinner lol, or even if you have a spare 25k lying around not doing anything and wouldn’t mind helping me out that would be fine as well. This company I’m working on is not something that I can be like oh well it didn’t work, on to the next. If this does not work for lack of a better expression “I’m basically fucked” there is no plan B or c or any other letters of the alphabet I have lined up. It’s kind of stupid but at the same time it shows how dedicated I am to it as well as how much I believe it will be successful. Yeah if it’s not successful you lose money but I basically lose everything.

I’m not going to attach my business plan to this, (I maybe desperate but not stupid) to give you a general idea it’s a internet based website that people will be using every day on average of 30 minutes to a couple of hours and there is not geographical or language limitations NO ITS NOT ANOTHER SOCIAL NETWORK WEBSITE. Believe me I’m as sick of those popping up as much as everyone else is lol. Please I’m on my e-knees right now, help me turn me turn towards the breeze or be the breeze that gets my boat moving…

Thanks
{The guilty man, with phone number and email address}

P.S. I know there probably are some spelling and grammar errors but I’m not trying to win some grammar award lol


Now I put it to you that some numbskull who sends out an email like this, peppered with "lol"s, spelling errors, coarse language, a subject line of "Hey", and a shortage of proper punctuation, is actually high on some illegal substance.

The only person who is a bigger numbskull than this gentleman is anyone who responds to the email and gives him some money. He says that he "maybe desperate but not stupid". I would actually take issue with that statement; I think he's both.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
I wonder sometimes how gullible the SPAM™mers think we are. There is the email I just received, excepting the link, which I am assuming is malware:

Have you ever heard that here are modern utility that makes photographies of you, while you are browsing (looking 4 pornography in yhe internet)?

Great example:

{link deleted to protect the guilty}

In this picture you are masturbating in dirty restroom (?)...

Please, confirm, that lucky face in the photo is yours!

Tom Harvison


I suppose that the same people who thought the television set looked back at you when TV was new might fall for this one…
chrishansenhome: (Default)
UNITED NATIONS COMPENSATION UNIT,
IN AFFILIATION WITH WORLD BANK.
Permanent Mission of ENGLAND to the United Nations
351 East 52nd Street, New York, NY 10022

Our Ref: UN/TH/066147/2011
Attention Beneficiary,

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family? You may not understand why this mail came to you. We have been having a meeting for the past 3 months which ended yesterday with the secretary to the UNITED NATIONS. This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATIONS has agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$900,000.00 each and you have to indicate how much you lost in the hands of scammers.

This includes every foreign contractors, Inheritance, Dating and Lottery payment that have not received their Lottery/Inheritance payment, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international Lottery payment that failed due to Government problems etc. We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you, this have been agreed upon and have been signed.

You are advised to contact Mr John Paul who is in charge of your payment through our paying center in West Africa as he is our representative in Lagos-Nigeria, contact him immediately for more information on how to get your compensation of US$900,000.00 payment from the United Nations.

Therefore, you should send him your full Name,telephone number and your correct home address, Contact Mr John Paul immediately for your compensation payments.

Person to Contact: John Paul
Email: johnppaul@XXXXXXX.cn

Thanks and God bless you and your family. Hoping to hear from you as soon as you receive your compensation funds don't neglect this I advice you.

United Nations, Making the world a better place.

Regards,
Ban Ki-Moon
Secretary-General


Dear Mr. Ban:

Thanks for your notification. As I am fairly well provisioned, I do not need any additional money. I ask that you contribute it to UNICEF and really make the world a better place.

Regards,

Chris Hansen
chrishansenhome: (Default)
I don't often read the obvious SPAM™ I get, but this one does take the biscuit.

I think that the reference to an "ananimous" donor who died "without any child through her life" is quite funny, as well as the fact that "she was able to receive a lot gifts and valuables". Poor thing, to be so rich and yet hire a "lawyer" who has such a poor command of English as well as typing. The obviously fake email addresses are deleted in case some credulous soul stumbles upon this blog.

DEAR SIR/MADAM,

MY NAME IS BARRISTER LUKE WALTERS AND I AM AN INTERNATIONAL ATTORNEY AND INHERITTANCE MANAGER. I HOLD IN TRUST THE VALUES OF MY CLIENTS AND IMPLEMENT SAME ACCORDING TO THEIR WISHES AND DESIRES.

I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT AN ANANIMOUS DONOR HAS INDICATED THAT WE CONTACT YOU TO ARRANGE FOR THE RECEIPT OF THE SUM OF $2,565,000.00 FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF CHARITY AND TAKING CARE OF THE OLD PEOPLE IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD.

THESE ARE CONTAINED IN THE WILL LEFT BEHIND BY THE DONOR. SHE WAS A MISSIONARY IN AFRICA WHO DIED WITHOUT ANY CHILD THROUGHOUT HER LIFE. DURING HER STAY IN AFRICA, SHE WAS ABLE TO RECEIVE A LOT GIFTS BOTH IN CASH AND VALUABLES WHICH SHE HAS NOW STATED IN HER WILL THAT YOU INHERIT SAME FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF HELPING THE LESS PREVILEDGED IN THE SOCIETY IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD. DO NOT FORGET THAT SHE DOES NOT WANT HER NAME AND IDENTITY MENTIONED AND WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO RESPECT HER WISHES AND DESIRES.

YOU WILL BE SOLE MANAGER OF THE FUND AND YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ESTABLISH THE CHARITY IN ANY COUNTRY OF YOUR CHOICE. YOU ARE ALSO ENTITLED TO KEEP 30% OF THE TOTAL SUM INVOLVED FOR YOURSELF IN RUNNING THE LOGISTICS FOR THE ESTABLISHMENT OF THE CHARITY IF YOU SO DESIRE. ACCORDING TO THE DONOR, THIS IS HOW GOD HAS DIRECTED HER TO PUT WHAT SHE LEFT BEHIND TO THE BENEFIT OF THE POOR AND OLD ONES IN OUR SOCIETY TODAY.

COULD YOU THEREFORE CONTACT ME ON THE EMAIL ADDRESS BELOW FOR FURTHER INFORMATION IN THIS REGARD AND TO ARRANGE FOR THE TRANFER OF THE MONEY TO YOU FROM ONE OF THE COMMERCIAL BANKS HERE.

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU URGENTLY.

GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

YOURS FAITHFUYLLY,

BARRISTER LUKE WALTERS
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Greetings.

I am Mrs. Salabanzi from Malaysia, I was married to my late Kathie Salabanzi, who worked for years before he died in the year 2006 after a brief illness that lasted for only five days.

When my late husband was alive he deposited sum Money in a firm here. Following my ill health (Cancer of the Lungs) my Doctor told me that I may not live longer than required due to my health condition. I am looking forward to seeing someone who can use this money in charitable works. More details will be made known to you upon your response. May God Bless You.

Mrs. Carine Salabanzi


Dear Mrs. Salabanzi:

I am really sad that you may not live longer than required. These days even life is disposable.

Did your late husband have a sex change and forget to change his name along with it? And imagine, he had a brief illness that lasted only five days! I am really glad that his brief illness didn't last for five years, as that would have been a really long brief illness.

I'm afraid that I can't help you very much as all my wealth is concentrated in uncharitable works and if you gave me any I would probably fritter it away. Good luck in your quest for a patsy to help you get your money out.

Oh, and if you'd take my email address out of your list I would be most grateful.

Regards,

Chris Hansen
chrishansenhome: (Default)
What is wrong with this email?

Dear Customer

Your online statement summary is now available to view online.
View Statement [link to a website in the .ru domain.]

Have you considered going paperless?

By switching to online statements, you can manage your account easily while reducing mail and paper cluttering your desk. Plus, when you stop your monthly credit card account statements, you can help the environment by reducing paper consumption. Go Paperless now!

When you go paperless, you can:

View the same information that's on your official paper statement.
Receive monthly e-mail notification when your new official statement is available to view online.
Decrease the possibility of mail fraud and identity theft.

What's the difference between an official statement & online statement summary?

Your online statement summary contains most of the same details about charges, credits and payments as the official statement you receive by post each month. However, it does not include all of the information that is on your official statement such as account disclosures or statement messages, so it is important to review your official statement.


I wonder who would click on the link to the statement when nothing in the email indicates which company is sending you the email?
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Upgrade your powerfederal rattlesnake
chrishansenhome: (Default)
The name sounds so very Saudi, doesn't it. And, his father was "assinated". This sounds particularly gruesome…

Hello,

I need your help. I got your email address from a guest book of business people all over the world. I am Bill Fazzina from Saudi Arabia and from a royal family. My father owns so many football clubs in Brazil before he was assinated by his political partners.

I want my father funds to be in your care. This $12,500,000.00 Million will be invested with your care. I need your trust as people around me can't be trusted anymore.

Please reply and help me. I will come with my bank manager to meet with you to start up the investment.

Don't be afraid because you will see me soon and we will start up this investment.

Regards,
Bill Fazzina
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Sometimes certain blogs I subscribe to either have Chinese entries or Chinese comments. If I think the comment might be interesting I will use Babelfish to translate it. A comment on an old blog entry about Hainanese Chicken Rice came through today, so I translated it. This is what I got:

Lubricant underwear's sexy underwear's self-consolation gasification baby's AV appeal clothes butterfly's massage stick's electrically operated massage stick's airplane cup's self-consolation set of self-consolation set of appeal underwear G spot sexy T-shaped trousers' suspenders sock's T-shaped trousers jump wireless the egg sexy night clothes The roll play jumps the egg appeal to jump egg smoke and fire wholesale smoke and fire appeal thing SM

On a closer examination of the original I find that there are multiple links to a site in Taiwan, and when I follow one of the links and click that I am 18 (I know enough Chinese to figure out which link to click), I get a page devoted to vibrators. So the mystery is solved.

I suppose this is a Chinese blog spammer. I wonder what "wholesale smoke and fire appeal thing SM" might be...
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Mr Quangle Wangle, grant us that

Is this the beginning of a prayer? If so, exactly whose god is "Mr Quangle Wangle"?

Enquiring minds want to know!
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Mrs. Sandra Brown.
Presidential Library & Museum
Former Director International Online

Attention: Dear Prominent User of the Internet

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family?

We sincerely hope this mail meets you in a perfect condition.


I am happy that they feel I'm a prominent user of the internet.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Hi, Pardon me for not having the pleasure of knowing your mindset before making you this offer and it is utterly confidential and genuine by virtue of its nature. I write to solicit your assistance in a funds transfer deal involving US$ 3.5M.This fund has been stashed out of the excess profit made last year by my branch office the International Commercial Bank which I am the manager.

Hell, Mr. Aka, some days I don't have the pleasure of knowing my mindset. How the hell could you have that pleasure?

If you're cute I might reconsider.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
I got a SPAM[tm] email today headlined: "Treat as Urgent". In this email, a "Sir Richard Lane" says:

Please note that I have in the past few weeks written you of this intention of allowing me to advice Citibank of United Kingdom to wire the sum of US$16,800,000 into your account. And I feel like reminding you once again.

I'm glad that Sir Richard feels like reminding me once again. I'd feel like answering him except that I've got the hiccups.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Medicine for juridical and natural people!

I suppose that most juridical people, not being natural persons, might have difficulty in using medicine of any kind...
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Usual stuff up to the signature at the bottom of the email:

MR LEX LUTHOR
Special Adviser To The President
Federal Republic Of Nigeria

And I suppose that Superman has something to do with this as well...
chrishansenhome: (Default)
I have a new email address!

You can now email me at: xxxxxx@yahoo.com

I have been poisoned please take care of my only son, I will hand over to you (US$ 35 Million )

- Poisoned Mother




I don't really know what to say to that. Were I to be poisoned, instead of promising money to someone to take care of HWMBO, I'd be on my way to the hospital.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Do something for your lassie

I don't have a collie.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Do you want something really huge inside your pans?

Well, only if it's edible and tasty, really.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
...comes from Mrs. Jennifer Edwards, to wit:

Apostolic Greetings !!!,

God will grant you the willingness and interest to digest this humble narrations though it might be so surprise and strange to believe my story but i knew by the reason of the almighty you will humbly understood and accept to proceed with my proposal though we have not met or seen each other before.

My name is Mrs. Jennifer Edward a widow to Mr.Edward G. Robinson who was a competent business man here in Abidjan Cote d'ivoire , we were married for many yrs without any child till his death in October 2005 after a brief illness. Due to the promise which i revered to him on the alter at the day of our church wedding i decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which is against the holy bible.

My happiness is that my late husband lived a life of a true & worthy Christian and he has this plan before his death which he pleaded with me to appropriate it to accomplishment. He took this decision with me to use this fund in building an orphanage in his name that will accommodate thousand's of children, and also to use part of this fund in helping the less fortunate and to spread the gospel of the lord to the remote places of the world.

He made this deposit of $(3.9Million)USD Three Million nine hundred thousand U.S. Dollars in a Finance Security Company here in Abidjan . Recently, my Doctor told me that i would not last for the next 5 months due to cancer & stroke illness.

Having known my condition i decided to seek for a competent and reliable God fearing person or church to entrust this fund to utilize this fund the way i narrated above as my late husband desired.

The Bible made us to understand that "Blessed is the hand that giveth". I took this decision because i don't have any child that will inherit this money and my late husband's relatives are not Christians and I don't want my late husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers.

I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence i know where i am going. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives are around me always. i don't want them to know about this development.

As soon as i receive your reply i shall give you the relevant documents that will legalize you to have access over this fund. I will also issue you an affidavit that will proove you the present beneficiary of this fund in the Finance Security Company. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd.

My happiness is that i and my late husband lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth.

Please always be prayerful all through your life and pray to God to forgive me my sins. Contact me on my private email bellow, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for another church or a God fearing person for this same purpose.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as i stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply.

Your's Sister In Christ,
Mrs Jennifer Edward


I thought that Edward G. Robinson died in 1973 after having made that immortal movie, Soylent Green. I guess that he survived to live to that great age of 111 and died in the Ivory Coast. AND, he was a competent business man? Who knew?

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