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Don't blame me, blame Fr. MadPriest's Mad Dad.

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

His wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

His wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Today's joke comes again from Fr. MadPriest's MadDad, and is good for a laugh.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, showed them into his surgery, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' the woman replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came.'
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadians, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, attempting polite conversation while pouring the beer. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" he asks.

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England " says the bartender. "Wonderful country. The history,the beer, the culture..."

"Nope". We don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English. Too arrogant and rude."

"So, why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive," replies John.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
…is courtesy of Fr. MadPriest's MadDad.

My wife and I went to the Devon County Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.

My wife gave me another healthy jab in the ribs and said, "Wow! That's more than twice! a week! You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You REALLY COULD learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Don't blame me, blame Fr. MadPriest's MadDad:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Blame Rick's commenter Jaishon for this one, not me.

Placed behond a cut in case you're squeamish... )
chrishansenhome: (Default)
…who stole it from Doug, who got it from who-knows-where.

A man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
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Don't blame me, blame Mike from Indianapolis…

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "That's great! We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
chrishansenhome: (Default)
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."


Thanks to Grandmère Mimi for this one...
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It's a bit late for Christmas, but good nonetheless.

A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around; she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her mobile phone to call her husband to ask him where he was, because she was so upset.

In a calm voice the husband said, "Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

His wife said, tearing up, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to it."
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Don't blame me, I got it from MadPriest, who blames someone named Michelle.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had "£100" in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna."

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna."
chrishansenhome: (Default)
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Done! Not only are they're coming for Christmas— but they're paying their own way too."
chrishansenhome: (Default)
A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon one of his regular customers pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The customer guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, the same man, this time accompanied by a friend, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away he said to his friend, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

His friend replied, 'No it ain't. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week.'

A word to the wise: Follow Fr. MadPriest's blog if you're at all spiritual. He's one of the best religious bloggers around.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
…is ruthlessly pinched from Erika, a commenter on Bishop Nick Baines' blog.

“A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Brits are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
The two Brits just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?” he tries.
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Español?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Brit turns to the second and says,
“Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
chrishansenhome: (Default)

My darling husband, Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Jokes

Jun. 17th, 2011 11:46 pm
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My good friend and brother Dr. Louie Crew is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. He posted a Facebook reference to a story on his website today.

The kind of jokes you tell and appreciate says a lot about the kind of person you are.
chrishansenhome: (Default)
Thanks to Fr. MadPriest for this one.

Nota bene for nonBrits: Major highways here are named A###, where ### is a number.

Waiting in Doncaster to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at just 22 MPH.

"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" the policeman thinks to himself.

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly," the old woman says proudly. "Twenty-two miles an hour. Just as it says on the road signs."

The Police officer realises the driver's mistake and, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer," the driver replies. "We've only just come off the A120."
chrishansenhome: (Default)
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
chrishansenhome: (Default)
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, " And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing: "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

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